Negative Patterns

I should have done…

A lot of times I say “I should have done x or y”. The truth is I did exactly what I was supposed to do at the time. History is written. In order to get to the point I got to today I had to make certain mistakes (which I guess were not mistakes at all). Especially in relationships, I often say “I should’ve done this, I shouldn’t have said that, I should’ve acted this way”. Well I acted the way I acted for a reason. It was for the purpose of my growth and the for the growth of the person I was with. They needed me to act in that way to challenge their own patterns.

In my relationship with Asya, I realized how much we both helped each other. And even though the breakup was painful, and all these “mistakes” I made started to surface, I actually realized I had to make those mistakes. If I wouldn’t have neither of us would grow.

And now that I’ve seen the dire consequences of those mistakes I have strong incentive not to repeat them NOW - something I do control. Every moment I can make the choice to learn from the lessons of my past, which cannot be changed.

A lot of times I think back to choices I made and say “man that was a crazy thing to do”. Well it was only in retrospect. I had to do that crazy thing to get to that realization. For example, I moved out of the country to Vietnam and Australia in the midst of a depression and the COVID situation, to live alone with my then girlfriend, who I was in a codependent relationship with. I completely isolated myself from my friends, community, hobbies. Seems crazy in retrospect - I plunged even deeper into my depression. The relationship went downhill quickly. Ultimately we broke up. Ultimately, I had to be hospitalized for the depression. I was catatonic for weeks. Horrible consequences.

But at the time it was the right choice for me. I had to show myself:

• changing locations isn’t going to solve my problems
• Especially during a depression I need to keep my friends and community close and keep up with my regular lifestyle, not introduce any big changes.
• I should watch out for codependent tendencies. Don’t move in with someone in a situation where you’re forced to be alone with that person for an extended period of time if you know you have the tendency to become dependent on them

It was a perfect experiment to definitively teach me these lessons. Now I know not to repeat them.

Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win